"I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium. And can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?"
"I do love the Waldorf Astoria. I hear from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian Tea Room."
"I obviously never knew your great grandfather, but from everything Senator McCain has told me, the two of them had a great time together before Prohibition."
"I think it is a tribute to American democracy, with two weeks left before the election that the two of us can come together and sit down at the same dinner table without preconditions."
"Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth."
"Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One'."
"I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I would ever run for president."
"If I had to name my greatest strengh, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness: I guess it would be that I'm a little too awesome."
"My middle name is actually Steve. That's right: Barack Steve Obama."
"Fox News accused me of having two African American children in wedlock."